My blinders are on

I hear Pastor preaching on Sunday, about having blinders on.   Does anyone else hear the lesson he is teaching, or is he just talking directly to me?    I try to look away, but I hear him anyhow.

It is that point where we have begun to focus on something so hard . . .  that thing that WE want, but is it of God?  Does God want it in our lives . . . .  is it part of His will for us?

But, I really, really want it, you say, and I deserve it - God should grant it to me because I have been praying about it for so long.

Sitting there, I realize that I have been so easily distracted by analyzing others "blinders" that I forgot to take a look at my own.  It's times like these that God is taking us out of our comfort zone - to give us a gift - a place where we can lean on Him and know Him more intimately - something we would never do in our comfort zone.

I struggle to concentrate on the sermon, yet my mind wanders to my blinders. . . . the one thing that consumes my thoughts daily. 



My arms are so full, yet empty at the same time - I can feel the blinders around my eyes - wanting, struggling with a selfish desire to hold another little one, to smell the sweet baby "smell," to hear the baby babbles, to see the toothless smiles. . .  .  To beat the "clock" that is ticking away on my child bearing days.  That somehow, just one more child would complete my life. 

He's almost two now and he is still my baby, but reality sets in. . . he is not going to be for much longer.  What if he is the last and I never have anymore blessings - any more gifts - Children are a gift from the Lord and I want my arms so full of them!

But with these blinders I have closed myself off to God's will - it's as if I've told Him that His way is NOT sufficient or good enough for my liking.

So I come to Him, heavy hearted, repentive of my blinders - counting the gifts that I have, reminding myself to wait upon the Lord. . . Psalm 27:14  Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.   My blinders need to be removed if I am to see my gifts.

Counting gifts is about gratitude -  and I need to count these hard things too.

#190 - #198

two more baby chicks born, including one incredibly fuzzy yellow one

tendrils of curls outlining Abby's face because her hair is finally growing back from twisting it off so many times

little ones arms wrapped around my neck playing with my hair clips or twirling "myz hair"

the sound of snow falling, having it change to hail and then back again to snow

snowflakes and daffodils

cold, really cold days spent wrapped up inside

hundreds of sweet little birds landing on fences, building nests and laying eggs

a furnace that is working

patience - it is a constant struggle to attain

removing my blinders