I hear Pastor preaching on Sunday, about having blinders on. Does anyone else hear the lesson he is teaching, or is he just talking directly to me? I try to look away, but I hear him anyhow.
It is that point where we have begun to focus on something so hard . . . that thing that WE want, but is it of God? Does God want it in our lives . . . . is it part of His will for us?
But, I really, really want it, you say, and I deserve it - God should grant it to me because I have been praying about it for so long.
Sitting there, I realize that I have been so easily distracted by analyzing others "blinders" that I forgot to take a look at my own. It's times like these that God is taking us out of our comfort zone - to give us a gift - a place where we can lean on Him and know Him more intimately - something we would never do in our comfort zone.
I struggle to concentrate on the sermon, yet my mind wanders to my blinders. . . . the one thing that consumes my thoughts daily.
My arms are so full, yet empty at the same time - I can feel the blinders around my eyes - wanting, struggling with a selfish desire to hold another little one, to smell the sweet baby "smell," to hear the baby babbles, to see the toothless smiles. . . . To beat the "clock" that is ticking away on my child bearing days. That somehow, just one more child would complete my life.
He's almost two now and he is still my baby, but reality sets in. . . he is not going to be for much longer. What if he is the last and I never have anymore blessings - any more gifts - Children are a gift from the Lord and I want my arms so full of them!
tendrils of curls outlining Abby's face because her hair is finally growing back from twisting it off so many times
little ones arms wrapped around my neck playing with my hair clips or twirling "myz hair"
the sound of snow falling, having it change to hail and then back again to snow
snowflakes and daffodils
cold, really cold days spent wrapped up inside
hundreds of sweet little birds landing on fences, building nests and laying eggs
a furnace that is working
patience - it is a constant struggle to attain
removing my blinders